The Storm

The storm began about 18 months ago.  On a beautiful, sunny October day my life changed in an instant.  One moment I was happily married with 3 outgoing and fiesty children.  The co-owner of a indoor baseball facility, where my husband was living out his dream job, teaching kids to play baseball and football.  The next moment my life was taken away, and my husband was dead.  I was left alone to raise CJ (12), Chase (almost 9) and Libby (5).  They inturn were left without a dad. 

As I have become more comfortable telling my story, I realize that there is so much loss out there.  It does not come only in death, but in divorce or illness or finances or addiction.  I want to create a safe place where people can come to share there thoughts and feelings and get the support they need.  I hope I can help just a few to walk through the dark tunnel and back into the light.  I hope sometimes to make you laugh, sometimes to make you cry but ultimately to help you heal.  Because as quoted by the band Train "I won't give up, if you don't give up."

Here is how it all played out...

The morning of October 20, 2009 the sun shined brightly and I was busy getting ready to have girls over for a jewelry party.  My middle son Chase had been running a fever during the night so he was home sick.  At 7am my husband Mike stumbled to the bathroom.  He thought he was going to throw up.  He didn't, but was feeling very dizzy and nauseous.  He got back in bed, and we both thought he had contracted what Chase had.  He did say his neck/jaw was hurting, but no excruciating pain.  His chest was a little tight, but he has asthma so I wasn't really worried.  I got my other 2 kids off to school, CJ a 7th grader and Libby who was in pre-kindergarten.  As the morning went by, Mike actually took a shower and ate some honey nut cheerios.  I even asked him if he thought he was going to be able to go to work.  No, he said he didn't feel that good.  He did call the doctor and give them his symptoms and made and appt for 2:30.  He said they didn't seem that concerned, he also wouldn't be.  He told me he was going to take and nap.  Chase was feeling much better at this point and I was busy cleaning the house.  Twice I thought about going into our room, but then thought I would wake Mike up and he really needed to rest.  At about noon I thought, wow Mike is really going to feel better when he wakes up.  He has taken a great nap.  How ironic?!  I walked in and immediately saw his ashen face.  (His lip were not pink, and that is something I knew from when I first had CJ.  A nurse had told me, as long as the babies lips are pink, they are breathing.)  I had to walk out and come back in because I could not get my head around it.  Anyway to make a long and torturous story shorter (still torturous), I called 911, tried to preform CPR, and knew when the EMT's took him away in the ambulance I knew he was dead.  This was the storm that blew my life and heart apart. After getting the autopsy reports, Mike died of an aortic aneurysm. His aorta had burst in the morning and he slowing bled out.  Even if we had taken him to the hospital earlier, he would have died.  It would have been so scary and traumatic.  Instead, he got to take a nap and die in his own bed.  Around the family that loved him. 

I could write on and on about the moments that followed but ultimately there in that one moment I had to make a choice.  I had to continue on in this life or fall into a deep dark hole.  I chose to get up every day and be part of this world.  I cannot tell you how hard this was for me in the beginning.  If you are reading and are in the midst of a loss, you know how dark the days can be.  But I got help and had a huge loving network including a family, friends, neighborhood and community.  I fought through the pain and never gave up on healing or my faith.  What I learned is that life is a precious gift and as one door closes, another can open up.